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Today, i found out two things

1. I spooked the hell out of my junior

So he said he literally afraid of me. Like, scared. All i did is telling him what exactly i expected from gastro consult. And he is scared.

2. BPD makes me suffer

It's like your brain is trying to calm you down, to reason with hungs but your emotion overrides it. And that's when you feel like a failure the most. You basically cant control yourself.

Jealousy, Anger, Dissapointment.

Any negative feelings that can ruin your whole day. Just like today.
When you sacrifice so much but people wont give as much as i do.
I never learn tho'
And this journal is basically all that. All my anger, dissapointment and sadness
Maybe because i trust people too much

And maybe because my depakote pills are nowhere to be found and i skipped couple of days

But i feel better, after a plate of blackpepper seafood later. Baking and cooking (specially baking) is always be a good relief.
Once you had your meal made by yourself, you feel content.

And when you did something good to people you feel good about yourself, and stop right there.
Feel good, cherish it and stop. dont expect, dont hace any hopes, just dont think anything you want the other person do to you in return
You did something good and that's it.
You boost your self confident, and that's it. cherish your moment.

I should go back to my thesis. 

Is this still working?

I've had this journal for over 10 years. wow.

aside from my car, this is the only thing (outside family-or gene related thing) that stays with me for so long.

I'm pretty sure i'm depressed.
I can't help feeling worthless and hating my self, for having that kind of feeling. I can't help crying, out of pity, for myself. Yes, i pity myself. For being so stupid, so ungrateful, so helpless and on top of that, so depressed. One day i cried out of the blue when i was out with mom. She was clueless (as always) and clearly confused. I refused to talk to her, i didn't want that pep-talk, i just wanted to be alone. So she started to text me some wise words-full with i love yous and i'm again, blamed myself for being so childish, for having depression.

My mom is a simple woman. She lives in world where everyone lives happily ever after. I really doubt that she understand the word depression-figuratively, of course, she is a smart woman, and a professor-she knew what depression means, but she didn't KNOW what depression is. So, i don't think she could understand how i feel right now and i'm pretty sure i just waste my time trying to talk to her. And my dad, just being my dad. He's worried, maybe, i dont know. And that's the problem i don't really know what he thinks.

I'm alone. as always.
This thing suffocates me sometime, and lately it getting worse. The image of ending my life is getting so vivid it terrifies me. I don't want to end my life, i don't want to go to hell for that. And on top of that, i don't want to be any burden to my family. I'm scared, of life. I don't know how can i go on. And i don't have anyone to talk to. I can't appeared to be weak, I have to be strong, or i'll lose my friends because no one likes to hear someone whines all the time.

I think i need help, a medical help.
But the psychiatrist probably will tell the dean about this. And i will be called, and talked down. I'm afraid i might be seen as incompetent doctor, and it will jeopardize my whole carrier, the only thing left of my self-worth.

Crying is not helping anymore right now.   

Education for adults

It's sucks, it still hurts a lot.

I know i don't deserve this, i don't deserve the fucking D. I worked twice as much as the other guys. I stayed late, i studied twice as hard, i fucking checked every stats, every fucking day. and i got a D.

i got a D because i'm human, and human got tired. and i was blamed for getting tired.

And i hate to be asked why i'm geeting another rotation, because i don't want to remember the time when i worked so hard for two FUCKING months and all was in vain, just beacuse of the last 15 minutes bedside exam. And i had to plester this goofy smile and said "i really need more to learn". because i'm an adult, and as they say, this is an education for adults. By all means, suck up every trash they've thrown at you and go silent about it. They expected you to be like a trained dog, you do whatever they wanted you to, and punish you when you made (honest) mistake. They prettily labeled it with "education for adults".




I love Cardio, i mean, A LOT.

If it was a man, i'd marry him.

Where is humanity?

One day, during a lecture, my professor told me that he has just had a meeting from foreign pharmaceutical company, developing new regiment of Malaria drugs. They intended to do clinical trial in population with high prevalence of malaria somewhere in Papua. They specialized to this new drug that it can impede the recurrence of malaria caused by plasmodium vivax.

Make it brief, i just tell you, that it is known that patients with malaria vivax have to be given piperaquine for them to prevent the recurrence. There's evidence of that, that piperakuin compared to a sigle regiment will prevent the recurrence in malaria vivax. Anyway, this company, wanted to make clinical trial with three arms. One arm is a group of patient with the new drug regiment (their drug regiment), one arm is one patient with olad drug regiment (with piperaquine), and the last arm is patient with ancient regiment without piperaquine. My professor told them that it's be unethical and unfair for those in the non-piperaquine group since it was clear that piperaquine will prevent the recurrence. And you know what they said?

"Somebody has to sacrifice for the sake of knowledge"

Do you know what is this? this is Tuskegee all over again. We're not here to be some western company guinea pig. 

With that, my professor sent them home, they said we're uptight and conventional. That we're not open for new changes. well, at least we still treat human as human. 

Sep. 13th, 2012

Since i'm going back to school, and i don't take shifts as many as i did before, my dad's getting worried he lent me his credit card.

with a note:

Use it wisely.

you're still the best, dad.

So far, residency sucks.

that is all.

Mom takes apology to the next level

My mom always feels that she needs to make amends everytime she did something that clearly upset me. it's not necessary though, i never asked for anything beside a few hours (or days) in soltitude. But she won't stop nagging and (forced) me to take her "token" of apology.

*when i was 6 years old*
Mom: I'm sorry, Here have some cake

*when i was teenager*
Mom: I'm sorry, Here, have some cash

Mom: I'm sorry, let me fill up your tank

Seriously, mom?

Kids are fun, so they said

Around 7 this morning, while waiting for my overnight shift to over, i had a 6 years old came to the ER. His mom said that his  son has fever and sorethroat. He wasn't consistenly in high fever, sometime he cools down and at some time during the day, he will has higher temperature. Anyway, that was not the thing that cause his mommy brought him to the ER. The kid can't walk (or refuse to walk, whichever) for two days. He always said that his legs feels weak and he can't stand up. At first i thought he was being spoilt and all, and i tried (nicely) to make him walk. I held him on the armpits while he tried to stand up, and when i let go, he fell. he said he can't step his sole on the ground because he can't feel anything. In my second attempt, i helped him stand up again, and when i let go, he stand up, with his toe and looked very unbalanced.

There was no record suggesting electrolyte loss, there was no history of the same acute limb weakness before and he had perfect immunization record. With his history of flu and sorethroat before the developing weakness, i jump into conclusion that this kind might have early phase of GBS. I had patients with GBS before, and it always start with limb weakness ascending to thighs, and to, diaphragm muscle. It's life threatening, So i was a little concerned. I ordered him CBC and electrolyte lab exam anyway, since there was also a possibility he had somekind of renal disease.

And this is the fun part. I took him with stroller to the laboratory (seriously, i was concerned with this kid) and when my analyst held the syringe up, he damned 6 years old jump off his stroller and run. RUN. with his legs, hiding behind the door. Standing stable with his sole on the ground. He left me, his parents, and my analyst standing there, stunned.

And this is the story how a 6 years old successfully trolled four grown-ups.